Thursday, January 20, 2005

Black Thursday

Cheer up -- think about this:

President, by Dan Bern


Raised up my hand & said I solemnly swear
One January day
And just like that I was the president
Of the U.S.A.

There were limos, bands & speeches
Parties to go to
I said all that will have to wait
There's so much to do

My first day I offered statehood
To Cuba & Mexico
Cuba: 1 state, Mexico: 6
All or nothing, that's how it goes
No more border patrols & human smuggling
We'll deal with our own neighborhood
And a few more stars & some green in the flag
Seems like, it might be good
And maybe Israel & Palestine
Will follow our lead and just combine
And then become Israelstine -- who knows?
Anyway, that's my first day

Second day I told Detroit Start makin' cars that don't use gas
And I give everybody a big rebate, 'n' they
Started sellin' fast
We'll stop burnin' up the air we breathe
And makin' the planet boil
And we won't have to kiss the ass
Of whoever's got the oil

Since before Hoover, the farmers have got
The short end of the stick
With the help of our Cuban brothers
We'll go communistic (collective farms!)
Capitalism is a fine thing
If it works, then great, OK
But if it don't, you gotta try something else
That's what I did on my 3rd day

The 4th day all of our troops came home
From all around the earth
Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran
More trouble than they're worth
And I was tempted to say "I'm sorry
We'll rebuild you with money and men"
But I just said, "You're on your own
And don't fuck with us again"

My 5th day I changed the army
So it's all of us or none
We'll all tie knots and walk through mud
Pitch tents and fire a gun
With just a few of us as warriors
And the rest of us gone soft
Martians could come and zap us
Ain't gonna happen on my watch

Day 6 I swore no prisoner more
Would face his death inside
Thou shalt not kill, applies to us all
Too many mistakes besides
Day 6 I swore no prisoners more
Would ever face his death
At least until my jury hears
The crimes of President Bush

Day 7 was hot, I legalized pot
And none of this decriminalizing crap
Let it grow in glory, end of story
Then I burned one & took a nap
Hemp will help the farmers
We'll grow hemp everywhere
One acre of hemp's like 10 acres of trees
And hemp grows back next year!

My 8th day I made health care
Apply to everyone
If you get sick, see a doctor
That's how my government's run
And by the way abortion
Is included in this plan
No one tells a girl how to treat her body
Least of all some man

My 9th day I said sorry
This government is no fool
Ain't gonna play you exra to send your kid to some
Weird-ass, wacko school
We'll do our best to make our schools
The best anyplace on earth
If they ain't good enough, think about it
Before you go give birth

My 10th day I made it OK
To marry whoever you
Would be willing to ride with
On a bicycle built for two
Marry a woman, marry a man
Marry a monkey too
Marry a big old rhino
And visit him at the zoo

And that was my first 10 days
My first 2 working weeks
Lots of work for the bureaucrats
And the paper-pushing geeks
Next we'll need a time
To go and just have fun
So we added some new holidays
The next week, one by one

Monday was national nude day
Everyone disrobed
Tuesday was national stoned day
Everyone got stoned
Wednesday was national painting day
Thursday no television
Friday was tennis, John McEnroe helped
From his cabinet position
Saturday, sex with impunity day
With no repercussions
Sunday, do it all: Nude, stoned, tennis, painting, sex, no tv -- enjoy!
Just be ready for work on Monday

My cabinet, as previously mentioned
Includes John McEnroe
And Wavy Gravy and Michael Franti
And Ani DiFranco
Muhammad Ali, Madonna, Maya Angelou, Brad Pitt (for the ladies)
And Bill Clinton & Monica Lewinsky
And we'll watch 'em both go at it
Next we'll get that Stephen Hawking
And make him a citizen and stuff
He's the smartest guy in the world
England's had him long enough

And I will not run for re-election
Four years enough of this
'Cause between you and me
I hate politics

I raised up my hand & said I solemnly swear
One January day
And just like that, I was the president
Of the U.S.A.
Just like that
Just like that
Just like that I was the president Of the U.S.A.


Peter Schrenk said...

Ah, yes. If only we were all "progressive" in our thinking, all of the problems in this world would go away. I would give this a righteous fisking if it deserved that much effort.

I will, however, point out two of the most brainless sections:

Day 1: Who says Cuba, or even Mexico, wants to join the USA? Castro giving up his fiefdom? Idiotic.

Day 3: Collective farms? with help from Cuba? To help how many farmers? How will this even help the poor farmers? Will this increase food production?

(shudder) I guess if anyone could get elected on this platform, I might be on the other side proclaiming my desire to flee to, um ... wait Canada is worse.

Kathy Schrenk said...

Perhaps the tounge-in-cheek nature does not come across without the music. (If I knew how to blog an MP3, I would do so.) I wasn't saying the president should actually do all this stuff!

I do like

* the second to last line of Day One; Israelistine! Genious!
* Day Two (duh, I'm a card-carrying member of the Sierra Club!)
* Day Four
* Day Six
* Day Seven (and may I say ANG sucks for making people pee in cup)
* Day Eight (though not so much on the abortion part; that's another post for another day)
* Day Ten (thought the monkey-rhino thing calls to mind Jon Stewart's box-turtle analogy and mocks the whole gay-marriage movement)

Jack Mercer said...

Oh, can I add a quickie piece of advice to Peters? Keep your comments quick and articles quick and short. We bloggers don't have a lot of time(readin' like we do) and so we need info quick, fast, and compact. I DID read the first three paragraphs of this though :)

Peter Schrenk said...

Kathy, I know that this song is supposed to be a joke, but only to a point. Some people are deadly serious about some of this stuff, and the Dan Bern obviously wants some of these things to happen. Israelstine would be great! If only they would live together without so much violence. I think that a large part of the point is that regardless of what Israel does, there are many Palestinians who desire to kill all Jews. Look at the success of Hamas in the recent elections! A death cult that views a suicide bombing of Jews sitting down to their Passover feast as a ticket to eternal happiness is not going to be overcome by reason.

By the way, this is *Kathy* Schrenk's blog, not mine.